What are we doing?

I’m so tired of people who bitch about being single. There are so many beautiful people in this world. They may not fit the image in your head because you see them as weird, dorky, dark or whatever, but if you look past the visual image you may just find that heart of gold you keep looking for. No everyone is meant to follow those who march to beat society is playing. No some of us march to our own beat. Our beat might be faster than the standard or it might be slower. Hell it it may be a completely fucked up beat the doesn’t fit in any known metronome, but it ours and still beautiful for those can here it.

Morning has arrived like a long lost friend. She wakes with a gentle kiss of light, and say all will be alright. Wiping the sleep out of my eyes, just barely wake I’m greeted by sweet her aroma sneaking in from the kitchen. With the air chilled from the window left open my feet touch a carpet still warm and comforting dispite the cold air. I start my long and arduous adventure to the sanctity of that mecca that holds the power of life. Still disoriented from the rest sleep I pour a cup of necture. I then realize for today all will be alright.

As I sit on the city bus heading to the wine store near apt. I find myself suddenly looking at my life and how the on the journey has taken so many twist and turns. It’s had it’s ups and downs as well. There were times I wanted to end the journey early and almost successful did twice (thank you mom and the e.r. dr who saved my life :-) ). Now as I look back I realize each painful experience from the abusive childhood and everything up to my failed marriage was simply preparing me becoming the person I am today. While there is still hurt and pain, there is also more enjoyable moments. I hope as you read this you can see that life does get better. It may not seem it when you are in the storm. The storm may last for years (in my case it lasted almost 40 yrs), but if you just keep pushing on you come out of the otherside.

Little kids telling tales outside of school is getting old! They wonder why I feel the need to remove them from my life. Maybe because I tend to respect people and their privacy. If I wanted certain pieces of my life put out to the world I would post on Facebook or write an article for some news media agency. This generation is so selfish and lacking in common sense and decency. What scares me the most is the fact that one day they will run this country. What does that mean for the future of humanity? I shutter to think, I fear for what will become of this country. Maybe we would be better off becoming another piece of England again. At least England still has common sense and a sense of morale. Whatever the case or outcome you can be sure I will view it from some small tropical island. Far away from the problems of this generation.

How things can change so quickly. I find it strange how your view of life can change so quickly. Yesterday life was hopeless and now over night it does a 180º. Today I’ve accomplished so much that I feel like everything will be ok. I don’t quite get how it works or for how long it will last. I do know that I will enjoy this ride for as long as it last though.

Pain is a part of life. We all know this. Pain can cause one to make positive changes or become stuck in a vicious cycle of self destruction. I am stuck in the grey area in the middle. I want to get healthy, find love & compassion for myself. I’m afraid of the process though. I’m afraid I may not have what it takes to open pandoras’ box and face what it contains. My circle of support is almost nonexistent. My family is of no help which only makes sense since they are the ones who inflicted the most damage. Going it pretty much alone is how I’ve been my whole life. So what do I do? The answer is I don’t know.

The city bus is a microcosm of society. As I sit here listen to my music on my phone I see the racial divide. I two worlds that make no effort to try to understand each other and unite. I begin to worry about the future when these worlds will finally collide in a violence that is sure to forever alter the destiny of this nation. What will the fall out? How much damage and pain will be caused by ignorance and false ego? Will we recover? I cry for the eventual loss of humanity. There is nothing I can do. I am only one voice and my voice is lost in the raging storm of anger. Why can’t I find the other voices? Am I the only who see what is on the horizon?

I’ve tried to hold on to my humanity and faith. I’ve tried to believe that there are still people out there who are real, honest and good. I’ve extended my hand out to those who were or a in need only to get slapped the face time and time again. There is only one can hang on without being cynical about people, pessimistic about life. I’ve lost the drive to keep looking for those qualities in people. I’ve lost the will to try to make a difference in this world when evil prevails everywhere. The time of humanity has ended and only soulless shells now roam around. We laugh about the zombie apocalypse, yet this exactly what we have know. There is a cure but there are some many of us and we are strongly outnumbered. The more we fight the good fight the weaker we become and more likely to become a victim of the very evil we sought to fight. So now we run for the safety of anti-social behavior which only weakens our souls and we start losing our self in the oblivion of isolation and loneliness as we begin to even question the motives of those we trusted as one of the good ones. So as life loses meaning we slip further and further into the dark well. All hope is lost and I slowly fade to black.